a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

That’s me, for the moment. Or at least, it’s how I feel, until I write all this down and maybe rationalize what I’m about to do.

I’m about to head out to see an acquaintance with a dear friend of mine. I had said “maybe” a bit ago (when I really wanted to say “no,” which is weak at best and hypocritical at worst).

I’ve made some judgments about this acquaintance, you see. Judgments shared by my spouse, my relatives, other friends. It’s not good.

And after learning some information over the weekend, and some additional information  today, I really, sincerely, tried to find the spine that would allow me to turn my “maybe” into a definitive “no.”

I told another friend about it–in a desperate effort to engender some sort of accountability. But, I just caved. Weird, because it would be easy to bail out. As in:

“Sorry, I can’t make it, something came up.” So obscenely easy.

But I’m not doing that. I’m going. 

“Nobody has to do anything,” said Roger Thornhill in “North by Northwest,” when told that he needed to go along with a plan and put his love interest at risk, all for the sake of national security. But he did it. He had at first resisted the accidental and dangerous role of George Kaplan, but he became very good at playing it. Freakishly good. (Suspended disbelief is so easy with Cary Grant.)

“Everybody does exactly what they want to do,” said somebody, somewhere. (It might have been Dr. Phil. Eew. But still true.)

So what is it that I really want to do, by doing a thing I said I would not and did not want to do (making me a hypocrite, and a loud one, at that–eew again)?

What role am I resisting, but not really, truly resisting?

Well, I want to know some things. I want to gain more information, and figure out a puzzle. I  want to be less judgmental, even if it means I’m hypocritical. 

No wait, that’s not it.

What it is, is this: I want to be justified in my past judgments, even if it means I’m hypocritical. I need to make sure I’m right. And if the moment’s right, I will make use of the face-to-face encounter to make it clear that I want no more encounters.

This is a test. I want to be right. And righteous. 

That is all.

I hope you understand. You know who you are, out there. You, who I know, does in fact understand.